I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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