I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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