Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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