well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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