There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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