He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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