I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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