After last night, I could never be a politician.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize