She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
