we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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