When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
