i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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