12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
