dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
as a side note pls kill me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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