If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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