Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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