I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
