before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
