I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
