well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
