New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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