just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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