I think im going to throw up on grandma
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
