It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
