i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
