2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
