I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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