I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
