we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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