On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize