Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Someone shattered a urinal.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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