Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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