This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
