in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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