My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
its liver damage thursday
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
