Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
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