Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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