Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
