Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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