Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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