Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i think i just lost a toe
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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