there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
