You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
