Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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