i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
