So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
