When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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