If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
