i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
