i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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