Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
