After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
