It's like God shit irony all over that family
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
