here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
