oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
