I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
